Things Rosalie Isn't Allowed To Do
by Rebecca a.k.a Mrs. Jasper Hale
Summary: A list of things Rosalie Hale isn't allowed to do. Rated T just to be safe, though it isn't imo too bad. Twilight is copyright to Stephenie Meyer, such as all characters ;
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, I know that almost every fanfiction writer does these lists and whatnot, but how could I not? I'm honestly a little afraid to write anything else for fear I'll piss off a bunch of Twilight whores (such as myself) with something inaccurate, or just a really lame story line. I'm going to try to be funny, but I sure as hell can't make any promises ;)**

Rosalie is not allowed to:

1. Give Renesmee a bunch of condoms and tell her they're balloons.

2. Feed Jacob Black out of a dog dish (again)

3. Convince Bella to wear a short skirt around Mike Newton while Edward is able to hear his thoughts.

4. Or where Jasper is able to feel the feelings Mike is feeling.

5. Or anywhere near Mike Newton.

6. Confess her undying love for Aro Volturi.

7. Lock Bella in a bathroom with Edward and Jacob Black. It doesn't go well.

8. Try to sell Jacob Black dog biscuits.

9. Try to invent a form of Werewolf repellent.

10. Sing "Clumsy" by Fergie every time Bella walks by her.

11. Shave Leah Clearwater when she's asleep. Bald werewolves might be funny to look at, but not to have to talk with.

12. Agree when Jacob Black says "Bite me"

13. Go to the treaty line of La Push and start singing "Takin' Over"

14. Singing "Who let the dogs out" whenever Jacob Black comes over.

15. Convince little children that the Voldamort's _**[I know I didn't spell it right, w/e]**_ real name is Aro Volturi.

16. Use the computer when there are any minors around.

17. On second thought, better spare all of our eyes. No using the computer at all.

18. Donate all of Bella's clothes to the Salivation Army.

19. Give Renesmee a puppy for her birthday as long as Jasper lives with them. Poor Spot!

20. Search for the Holy Grail.

21. Or any form of Biblical memorabilia.

22. Give Bella any form of clothing that comes from La Senza.

23. Join a cult created by Emmett.

24. Try to sell Emmett.

25. Picture what Emmett and her do for "entertainment" when Edward is around.

26. Answer the phone with "Vampire Inc. You love 'em, we bite 'em."

27. Sing "Disturbia" by Rihanna. Especially at school.

28. Threaten Edward to tell Mike that Bella has feelings for him if he doesn't eat an entire pizza.

29. Wear skirts above the knee around Emmett in public. Or around more people then JUST Emmett.

30. Watch "Saw" or any movies like it around humans.

31. Tell Emmett that Dracula exists and is bffls with the Volturi; he'll believe it!

32. Encourage Alice to take Bella shopping.

33. Or anybody else.

34. Come on to Mike Newton to piss Emmett off when she's mad at him.

35. Drink the blood of human's pets.

36. Dye all of Jacob Black's hair pink when he's asleep.

**I know that this is a really short list, but I couldn't think of anything else. Sorry it's as lame as it is. Please rate and review so I can get better! (:**


	2. Chapter 2

**So I know that I was suppose to have finished this, but it's a lot of fun, seeing that people aren't as weirded out by it as I thought! So I figured I'll be continuing on with this little list until I finally get bored with it! Thanks everyone for the reviews (:**

Rosalie isn't allowed to:

37. Try to sell Jacob on Ebay.

38. Encourage Emmett in anything he things is brilliant (because it won't be, guaranteed!)

39. Photoshop pictures of Aro's and Marcus's faces onto images of men having gay sex.

40. Hide tampons in Jasper's drawer, then, when he discovers them, ask him if he's "On his time". He doesn't find this amusing.

41. Change her mind on what she wants to buy when shopping with Alice.

42. Lock Jasper in a room with a bunch of girls with PMS. Jasper doesn't find this funny, either.

43. Shave Lauren's hair, laugh, and remark how much prettier she was than her, even before the "styling" had happened.

44. Set Jessica and Marcus Volturi up on a blind date. They don't make a good couple.

45. Replace all of Edward's underwear with thongs.

46. Tell Edward to cover his thong.

47. Say "Good boy!" every time Jacob sits.

48. Spray the wolves with a hose every time they're in wolf form, then complain because they smell like "wet dogs."

49. Think over and over again "I wonder how Edward will react when she tells him the news …" every time Edward is around, then act as if she didn't notice he was there.

50. Remind Bella over and over again that "Blonds do it better."

51. Tell all of the nurses in the hospital that Carlisle left Esme, and that he's looking for a new girlfriend.

52. Murmur "Oh, it's one of _those_" every time a person walks by in the school halls.

53. Yell "That's not a REAL vampire; REAL vampires sparkle!" whenever they watch a movie on vampires.

54. Convince Renesmee that Jacob Black likes his hair being pulled.

55. Use the word "Love" around Renesmee; Emmett and Rosalie think "Love" is more physical than a child should think.

**Sorry for the short list, I'll add more to this list later I'm sure!**


	3. Chapter 3

56. Tell Aro that Edward "came out" and thinks that he's hot.

57. Tell Bella that cliff diving is really fun, and that she should try it some time.

58. Try to teach Renesmee about the "birds and the bees" and then mention what makes it "so great."

59. Tell everybody at school that Alice has an eating disorder, and force her to eat human food in front of everybody. Then say "told ya" when she coughs it back up.

60. Mention to Renesmee that, because she's half human, she is also "half lame."

61. Disable the internet nanny. She forgets to delete the browsing history, and that's not something Renesmee needs to see. Again.

62. Have a food fight. Especially if said "food" is her food.

63. Go to a fashion show, and tell all the models that the reason she's so pretty is because she drinks animal blood. It might be true, but …

64. Tell Jessica that Mike is really gay, and that he and Jasper are secretly "doing things."

Sorry for the übber short list. This is the end. Sorry, but I don't have anything else to do, and I think it's safe to say that the bits in here that I did put are epically pathetic. Kthxbai :] And please read my other stories by clicking on my profile. Thanks!


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